Monday, December 20, 2010

It Ought to be a Crime

There are certain things that ought to be outlawed this time of year.

Postal carriers that can't read addresses is one.

Cranky people at the supermarket is another - really little girl in the too small Cowboy's jersey. I spend a horrendous amount at Market Street - give me the coupon I left at home so I can pay your salary.

People who take up not one, not two but THREE parking spots at the mall is another. Really you have a Prius. It's a maroon lunchbox on wheels it does not need three spots in front of Nordstrom's.

The final thing that needs to be outlawed are Slimfast commercials a week before Christmas. Anybody selling a diet aid the week before Christmas needs to be rounded up and sent to Gitmo to live until the rest of us have finished sipping the egg nog, eating the sugar cookies with butter cream frosting and sprinkles, eating candy canes and pouring gravy on anything that sits still.

Slimfast commercials, dexatrim mailers and email invitations to join the gym is just one more reminder that my butt is getting bigger, my pants tighter and the fat is clogging my arteries. Let's face it, the only exercise I'm getting these days is walking in a circle around the kitchen for yet one more egg and two more cups of flour.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

It's Hard To Type and Hold My Breath = a Letter to my dog

Dear Rabi -

You are my favorite pet. You are my shadow and my constant companion.

I forgave you when you ate my camera and the bag it was in. I didn't even make you eat store brand dog food and live in your kennel for a month like I threatened.

I got over your ingestion of my favorite black stilleto heels - the ones that were perfect with THe black dress. Even when the cobbler told me they were mangled beyond repair, I forgave you.

I think it's cute the way you and Ginger nap together - even though he's a cat.

I secretly find the guilty look you give me when you lay on the leather couch - even though you know it is forbidden - cute.

I didn't scream or yell when you dug in the back yardand then tracked mud in on the freshly mopped kitchen floor or when the animal catcher chased you home after you followed Joey to school.

But we have to talk.

You have gas.I know as ladies, we don't speak of such things.

Gas that could kill people if used in mass quantities

Green fog-like gas that makes my eyes water and makes me throw up in my mouth a little.

This could be used as a weapon of mass destruction. Heaven forbid you let one go near a military installation - the silent but deadly fumes would make soldiers don their gas mask in fear of biological weapon contamination.

Charles has less body odor after he comes home from a run or a week long campout.

So tonight, while you sleep outside because I don't think there is a clause in pour home owner's policy about natural gas explosions. I'll be contacting the EPA about a warning label for your butt.

Love, Mom

PS - Dear neighbors with the chickens - this is a far more gentle way for your chickens to go to the stock pot in the sky - and a lot less noisy.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Hey God, Are You Trying to Tell Me Something?

Charles and I were sitting here 30 minutes ago enjoying a movie when the phone rang. Eric is still at work so I answered it, knowing that whomever is calling at this hour had to be family.

A creepyish voice, something like a voice like a mating of Marvin the Martian and Darth Vader asked to speak to me - using my maiden name. I hadn't used my maiden name in years - many many years.

Martian Vader bid me good evening and inquired about my day. Then he launched his speel.

"Mrs. Svetlik have you thought about your funeral in the event of your eventual demise?"

"Mrs. Svetlik is my mother and my grandmother - but she's already intered I hadn't thought about anything other than doing the dishes and going to bed - death isn't on my 'to do' list tonight"

Miss, we here at Restland can help you with all of your funeral preplanning needs so your family won't have to wonder what your funeral wishes are."

"Dude, I'll be dead , they can put me in a Hefty Bag and sing kumbya - I'll be dead I won't care."

"Ma'am imagine the pain and aguish you'll leave your children."

"My oldest child is 15, the only mental anguish he'll suffer is if someone forgets to buy groceries - even upon my eternal departure from this planet. Furthermore, I'm just pleased I finally remembered the brown sugar at WalMart today. The people in my house are happy if there's fruit snacks and string cheese. Titanium inlaid coffins and solid gold overlayed urns are not anything we're ready to give much thought to."

"But ma'am you could die."

"Sir I promise you, we're all gonna die - Prince wrote a song about it, I'm not interested in any tours or time share plans for funeral plots. but you have a good night ."

The economy must be really rough if the Grim Reaper is resorting to cold calls.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Words I Never Thought I'd Say

"Stop hitting your sister in the head with a beach ball. " (really this did not amaze me - hitting your brother or sister is as old as Cain and Able)

"But mom she likes it - look!"

Madaleine giggles as the brother in question hits her in the head with the beach ball.

"Besides we aren't hitting her hard enough for brain damage."

Yeah. I know. Nice.

Friday, January 08, 2010

Look Into My Eyes

Originally uploaded by blondie478.

Look at those bright baby blue eyes.

Look at that sweet innocent face.

That little face can command nations.

Those sweet blue eyes are capable of controlling and army.

At the age of ten months, she knows how to get those around her to do exactly what she wants us to. Her older brothers gladly do her bidding. She smiles at them and they do what she wants.

Her ability to control minds is astonishingly strong. I fear for the future with her skills. She is her mother's daughter.

Thursday, January 07, 2010

Oh My Merciful Heck

It's COLD. The coldest weather we've seen in 13 years supposedly!

But to my school district - the next time you call to tell me there is no school at 5:50 AM and wake up the baby, you are coming to put her back to sleep.

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Long Time Gone

Every man should be born again on the first day of January. Start with a fresh page. Take up one hole more in the buckle if necessary, or let down one, according to circumstances; but on the first of January let every man gird himself once more, with his face to the front, and take no interest in the things that were and are past. ~Henry Ward Beecher


And here we are on the uphill trod to 2010. I hadn't realized that the last time I visited this space and posted my musing was August, just after the boys went back to school. So here we are in 2010, 359 days until we exit the first decade of the 21st century! Imagine that.

It seems like I've barely had a chance to blink since 2000 and the threat of Y2K. It amazed me how we, as a society have changed.

Ten years ago, the idea that some one would fly a plane into buildings and kill thousands was unfathomable. Tday, we stand in the security line at the airport with our shower products in two ounce plastic bottles - proof that we aren't trying to blow up the plane with shampoo.

Ten years ago DVD players were cutting edge technology, now $30 at walmart buys you a nice player, better than what was manufactured then. Today we carry mp3 Players smaller than a deck of cards that can play music, show movies, play Scrabble and take phone calls almost all at once (God Bless Apple!)

Ten years ago I had two children. Today, I have four. FOUR FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUR Children - finally a princess amongst the frogs!

We saw the collapse of the financial and housing markets.

We lost a Pope - the only one many of us remember, and got a new one. God's Rotweiler.

We had global warming - that turned out to be an "oops, we can't add" (With the weather looks cold and ominous- I want it back

We - well Oprah and the liberal media and a lot of people swayed by a nice face and pretty words - elected Barack Obama - the first black President of the United States.

It's been a roller coaster of a start!

So 2010 here's to YOU! May you pave the way for a nice smooth decade as we venture to 2011 and the start of the second decade of the new century!